Territory Stories

Sunday Territorian 31 Jul 2016

Details:

Title

Sunday Territorian 31 Jul 2016

Collection

Sunday Territorian; NewspaperNT

Date

2016-07-31

Notes

This publication contains may contain links to external sites. These external sites may no longer be active.

Language

English

Subject

Community newspapers -- Northern Territory -- Darwin.; Australian newspapers -- Northern Territory -- Darwin.

Publisher name

Nationwide News Pty. Limited

Place of publication

Darwin

File type

application/pdf

Use

Copyright. Made available by the publisher under licence.

Copyright owner

Nationwide News Pty. Limited

License

https://www.legislation.gov.au/Series/C1968A00063

Parent handle

https://hdl.handle.net/10070/263022

Citation address

https://hdl.handle.net/10070/473942

Page content

16 FRONTIER SUNDAY JULY 31 2016 NTNE01Z01MA - V1 SUNDAY, JULY 31 ALL EYES ON THIS Eye in the Sky, military thriller, Deckchair Cinema, 7.30pm, $16 LAST LAUGH Laugh It Off comedy night, Browns Mart, 8pm, $15 MONDAY, AUGUST 1 ON THE RAILS Railway Heritage Picnic Day, Adelaide River Railway Heritage Precinct, 10am-2pm, fun and games for all ages, free BEAR NECESSITIES Alice Springs Teddy Bear Picnic, Council Lawns, 10am-2pm, gold coin donation TUESDAY, AUGUST 2 NICE AND EASY The Nice Guys, set in the sleazy underworld of 1970s LA, Deckchair Cinema, 7.30pm, $16 WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 3 ART ATTACK Salon16 opens, CDU Art Gallery, Building Orange 12, University Drive, an exhibition of works submitted but not accepted into the National Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Art Awards, free THURSDAY, AUGUST 4 FREE FOR ALL Santos Darwin Festival Opening Night Concert, The Amphitheatre, Darwin Botanic Gardens, 7pm, free RUNAWAY WITH THE CIRCUS Twentysixteen from Circus Oz, Araluen Art Centre, 7.30pm, $49 FRIDAY, AUGUST 5 A FAIR PRICE Darwin Aboriginal Art Fair, Darwin Convention Centre, 10am-4pm, continues tomorrow and Sunday, free LIP SERVICE Lippy from Irelands Dead Centre theatre group, Darwin Entertainment Centre, 7.30pm, $54, repeats tomorrow 7.30pm and Sunday 2pm BLOCK HEADS The Lego Movie, Leanyer Recreation Park, 7pm, free SATURDAY, AUGUST 6 SOUNDS LIKE FUN National Indigenous Music Awards (NIMAS), The Amphitheatre, Darwin Botanic Gardens, 7pm, $35 SADDLE UP Noonamah Tavern Rodeo featuring Guns N Roses and his 100 per cent buck off rate, 5.30pm, adults $30, under 18s $15, under 5s free WALK ON A Walk Of A Thousand Memories, Alzheimers NT, Blain Street to Desert Park Bike Path, 8am, $25 PUT YOUR BOOT IN Community Car Boot Sale, Sanderson Neighbourhood Activity Centre, Wulagi, 7am-noon, $10 per boot/stall Dastardly stuff. Oh and the comedy of Bachie trying to work out whos who. Brainy Bachelor No IQs less than 140, words such as connection and journey are banned and the soundtrack is less psycho-warning and more Beethovian intrigue. Contestants appear fresh from the library in specs and shapeless jumpers and are eliminated if they havent read Proust. Because the thing actually has to rate, Bachie is less corduroyed boffin and more a Matt-Damon-in-Good-Will-Hunting kinda guy. Chicks have to be paediatric brain surgeons or Rhodes Scholars. Gay Bachelor Bitchy, tender, ironic and featuring the best six-packs since Hugh Jackman, Gay Bachie will reprise Brokeback Mountain complete with 22 Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger lookalikes. There will be a resident bitchelor (a la David in The Bachelorette) and a lovely Simon Callow figure (the guy who died while dancing in Four Weddings and a Funeral). Obviously there will be no proposal because, well, its Australia. Ellen de Generes will host. Divorcee Bachelor Contestants will arrive in SUVs of various worth to show how well they came off in their financial settlements. In the back will be suitcases to denote how much baggage they carry with them one piece per child and either one, two or three extra pieces indicating the toxicity of their ex. Dates will involve proper talking about communication and compromise, not nonsense about soulmates. In a special twist the contestants will have to go on a date with their former spouse. Over-60 Bachelor Manners will make a return to television for the first time since The Sullivans left our screens in 1983. Dates will be arranged via handwritten note, Sunday drives will become the hot new pastime for the Tinderweary and advertising will flood in from Hush Puppies and Old Spice. The Bachelor will be as adorable as Robert de Niro in The Intern and, while he will eventually choose Marge from Maroochydore, Channel Ten will quietly bury the fact hes been dating 53-year-old Pamela from their production team since the pair hit it off during auditions. Scones will become the sliders of 2016. The stupid rose ceremony will be replaced with an elegant waltz and the silky-voiced David Attenborough will host. Sporty Bachelor Since The Olympics will be a washout due to the Zika virus, Sporty Bachelor will provide a showcase of genuine athleticism, and proficiency beyond use of a GHD hair styler. Lisa Curry could step in as the inaugural Sporty Bachelorette and every disgraced footballer will attempt to rehabilitate his image by going on kayaking and cross countryrunning dates, rather than punching their girlfriends and peeing into their own mouths. Eddie McGuire will host an equality workshop. Green Bachelor The mansion will become a campsite in Tasmania, limos will be exchanged for a fleet of Priuses and all those diamante-embroidered gowns produced in sweatshops in Bangladesh will be replaced by op shop chic. Contestants will be Paleo, kombucha-swigging, tantric sex devotees and a fight will break out between the anti-vaxxer and the off-the-grid single mum who has a daily leave pass to breastfeed her seven-year-old. Bachie will be bearded. And hell make his own toothpaste. Who said spin-offs were dead? WHO SAID ROMANCE IS DEAD? But forget the regular Bachie, its time to improve the formula for a bit more fun THIS WEEK IN THE TERRITORY angelamollard@gmail.com Follow me at twitter.com/angelamollard IN DE X Picture: JUSTIN KENNEDY 17..............Humans of the NT 17..............Ask Woody 18-19 ........News features 20 ............Fashion & beauty 21..............Food 22 .............Weddings & babies 23 .............Social scene 24.............Arts and books 25 .............TV Guide 41 .............Movies 42.............Health 43-44 ......Travel 46-47 ......Fishing & hunting 48 ............Stars & quiz 49 ............Puzzles & comics 50 ............Photo essay Editor Leanne Hudson Regular contributors Emma Crilly, Georgina Murphy, David Taylor, David Wood, Matt Flynn, Hiro Nakamura, Bart Irwin Advertising Tiina Urvet Contacts Editorial inquiries: (08) 8944 9759 Advertising inquiries: (08) 8944 9900 Post: PO Box 1300, Darwin, NT, 0801 Email: frontier@news.com.au I suggested we went out each Wednesday night for burgers. Or they could have friends for sleepovers every weekend between now and Christmas. But it was like offering jelly snakes to a meth addict. No, they want to watch Richie Strahan (pictured) on The Bachelor and so, once again, we find ourselves slumped for another round of posturing and pouting in the polygamists compound. Of course I only watch it to provide sensible commentary. Ugh, side boob is so 2011. You know peonies are so much more special than roses. Or the one that always draws an eye roll: For the love of stimulating conversation could one of those chicks please read a newspaper. Any day now one of my beloved daughters is going to stand up and say: Youre right Mum, this is an appalling indictment on modern women and we are perpetuating atavistic conventions by endorsing it. Until that happens the only way I can bear another season of hair, Osher, the ghastly Keira and 22 Melania Trumps in training is to suggest other, better versions of The Bachelor. So far Ive come up with the following: Bachelor Twins One Bachie, 11 sets of identical twins (in matching cocktail dresses obvs) and youve got yourself more juicy conflict than an episode of Q&A featuring Pauline Hanson. Imagine Natalie and Nadia, and Danielya and Damiana (their parents wanted boys) battling it out, not just against some random from Wagga Wagga, but the person who popped out of the womb 30 seconds before them. ANGELA MOLLARD OPINION