Sunday Territorian 25 Jan 2015
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Nationwide News Pty. Limited
18 OPINION SUNDAY JANUARY 25 2015 NTNE01Z01MA - V1 Love Actuallys messy sequel Prime Minister Hugh Grants relationship with Martine McCutcheon doesnt last long in the hypothetical Love Actually 2 ARGUING about Love Actually has been my holiday sport. While the more intellectual among you have been discussing 18C post Charlie Hebdo, and the athletic have been throwing tennis balls at the beach, Ive been engaged in internecine warfare over a movie. Worse, its gone on for a month ever since the cult classic got its annual airing at Christmas. What started as jocular sparring over whether the plots were credible oh, hello, Hugh Grant as the British Prime Minister! quickly developed into a bitter battle over whether its possible to fall in love with someone who doesnt speak the same language, and whether Emma Thompsons character is responsible for the ennui in her marriage because she talks too much and wears brown. So far, so predictable. But then I read a piece pouring scorn on that most poignant of scenes where Andrew Lincoln uses cards to tell his best friends new bride, played by Keira Knightley, that he loves her. The writer declared Lincolns character a sociopathic creep and Knightleys a weakwilled would-be cheater. Without wishing to escalate tensions between the cynics and the romantics (the cynics are already burdened with a shorter life expectancy on account of their hardened hearts and embittered views), I wondered what mightve happened to the Love Actually couples 12 years on. Which pairings would have endured and which were merely a festive fling? Which could teach us something about love? Theres been no sequel but heres my crack at Love Actually 2 bear with my amateur psychology and mixing of character and actor names. Lets start with Lincoln and Knightley. If you remember, after the declarative cards and the playing of Silent Night and Keiras polarising kiss (granted, I wouldve gone cheek), Lincoln says quietly to himself: Enough, enough now. Thats because hes emotionally intelligent a man who can communicate his feelings yet knows when ardour is futile. Far from hanging around waiting for Keira to become disenchanted with her couch slouch carol singer-abusing husband, hes hiked it to Australia where he surfs, earns a motza making wedding videos and is shacked up with an Elle MacPherson lookalike. Or me. Meanwhile, Keira and hubby are in counselling because all he wants to do is watch motor racing. Moving on, Colin Firth, the crime writer, and Aurelia, his Portuguese maid, have split because of the cultural and intellectual gulf. Aurelia is an international author whose Gone Girl-style novels are published in 16 languages while Firth has never found acclaim because, duh, he writes on a hipster typewriter and doesnt makes copies. Hugh Grant, 12 years on, is Britains most successful post war Prime Minister, eclipsing even Maggie Thatcher thanks to his excellent delegation to cabinet ministers and dedicated skirt chasing. His fling with Natalie was short-lived, after which she ballooned in weight but went on to win the 46th series of The Biggest Loser. Appearances on Survivor and Dancing With The Stars further cemented her celebrity and she is currently in a relationship with David Hasselhoff. Widower Liam Neeson married Claudia Schiffer but only after he did 18 months in prison for inciting a terrorist act by encouraging stepson Sam to breach airport security. Sam, meanwhile, is 23, drumming for Ed Sheeran and being constantly Snapchatted by his schoolboy crush Joanna who, frankly, is a bit up herself for a girl who can only sing one song. Hes playing her along as she did him. Friends tell him he looks like the guy on Game of Thrones. Body doubles Martin Freeman and Joanne Page tire of simulating sex acts. They marry and go into the Baptist ministry. Recently the eldest of their seven home-schooled children uncovered her par ents dodgy past after finding an R-rated movie in a Keeping The Faith case. Laura Linneys mentally ill brother has died, leaving her free to track down her former colleague, Karl. Facebook pictures suggested he was happily married but it transpires theyve separated due to his wifes gambling habit. Karl and Laura have enjoyed a few dates, during which she leaves her phone in a triple-locked cupboard. Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman are still married despite the heartbreaking scene where she realises he bought a heart necklace for his sexy assistant. He loses his editorship due to dwindling circulation and Emma resumes her career as a human rights lawyer where she helps Amal Clooney return the Elgin Marbles to the Greeks. Trust is re-established, though she never again listens to Joni Mitchell. Colin, the virile young chap who travelled to America because the girls like a British accent suffered chronic fatigue syndrome. Hes being touted as Piers Morgans replacement on a string of talent shows. Ageing rocker Bill Nighy recently discovered he has a 28-year-old daughter, conceived during a fling with a fan in his drug-addled youth. She so enlivens him he goes on to write a string of new hits. His tubby manager is still secretly in love with him. Rowan Atkinson, who worked at the jewellery counter in a department store, was found gunned down in a tub of potpourri in 2010. There you go Ive just saved you a $15 movie ticket in the unlikely event theres ever a sequel. By all means use it as a conversation starter come Australia Day. Who in Love Actually found actual love? Good News Brekkie Deal Good News Brekkie Deal Receive a copy of the NT News with every Large Bacon & Egg Extra Value Meal purchase Available until 10.30am at participating Restaurants around Darwin, Palmerston and Katherine for a limited time. Serving suggestion. Newspapers subject to availability.n Newspapers subject to availab M3 77 36
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