The Northern Territory news Fri 18 Nov 2011
The Northern Territory news; NewspaperNT
This publication contains may contain links to external sites. These external sites may no longer be active.
Community newspapers -- Northern Territory -- Darwin; Australian newspapers -- Northern Territory -- Darwin
Nationwide News Pty. Limited
Copyright. Made available by the publisher under licence.
Nationwide News Pty. Limited
www.ntnews.com.au Friday, November 18, 2011. NT NEWS. 21 P U B : N T N E W S D A T E : 1 8 -N O V -2 0 1 1 P A G E : 2 1 C O L O R : C M Y K Love cheat bombshell leaves trust in tatters Got a question? Ask Bossy. No-holds-barred advice from our agony aunt Kate deBrito . . . advice your friends are too polite to give A readers partner had sex with a prostitute, but says he regrets it The things you describe dont happen just because of amassive bender Should I forgive my fiance for sleeping with a hooker? DEAR BOSSY: Ive been in a serious relationship for six years, engaged for two. Intimacy has been lacking for the last couple of years, mainly due to health reasons. This has caused a number of problems in our relationship, but despite this we have a very strong bond and cant imagine our lives without each other. A few months ago my fiance started emailing another girl, paying her loads of compliments and contemplated leaving me for her. Nothing physical eventuated and I was told his better judgment was messed around by a huge bender. I moved out briefly but returned as he said the whole situation was blown out of proportion and he had already realised that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. Fast forward a few months and he has just dropped the bombshell that he recently cheated on me with a hooker. My self-esteem has taken a huge dive and I can feel depression creeping in as he has asked me not to tell anyone, as he is extremely remorseful and embarrassed. It was on another bender, paid for by a mates business partner who had suggested the whole thing. Unlike the other incident, I know it was only physical. He was upfront with me and begged my forgiveness. I am in my mid-20s, intelligent, attractive and have a lot to offer. I believe that everyone makes mistakes, myself included, however people can learn from these things and move on. It will take a long time and a lot of hard work to rebuild the trust and my self-esteem. Is it worth working on this or am I being naive? BOSSY SAYS: The issue isnt whether he slept with a prostitute or contemplated leaving you for another woman. It is about rebuilding trust and a relationship when you havent worked out what made it happen in the first place. Put simply, your fiance is not happy in the relationship. As much as he may love you, hes not happy. Im not saying its your fault hes unhappy or looking to cheat. For all I know, perhaps he cant be happy or faithful in a relationship. But more likely he wants something intimacy, sex, esteem, admiration, fun and hes not getting what he needs. And rather than talking to you about it, he took an easy way out. The things you describe dont happen just because of a massive bender. They happen because your relation ship has cracks and the drugs and booze or whatever just helped things along. If you want to move forward, you have to ask yourself whether you even know what caused the cracks. You are not naive for wanting the relationship to work, but you are naive to believe this can all be blamed on booze and the influence of a randy business partner. Trust can be hard to repair. It requires hard work from both parties. You need to be honest about what caused the problem in the first place and how you can prevent it happening again. Get counselling and, in the meantime, tell him youre not prepared to deal with your anguish and distress privately just to save him from embarrassment. SEND your problems to ntnews.com.au By emailing Ask Bossy you accept your question may also appear on the Ask Bossy blog. Questions cannot be answered privately. Breaking up which of you gets to keep the friends? Friends yours or theirs? SHE SAYS: Like any chattels in a relationship, when a couple breaks up it often affects a whole lot more than just the two people involved. Especially if you have mutual friends. Who gets to keep the friends? I think its up to the friends to decide; no one wants to be involved in a massive friend custody battle, the same as who gets to keep the dogs. Most people gravitate towards the happiest, most easy-going person. Unless your mates are just a bunch of masochists. If every time you hang out, all you do is bitch and moan about your ex, no-one will want to hang out with you. If you moan a lot, youre annoying. Youre whingey, and if theyre trying to maintain individual friendships with both you and the ex, theyre going to spend less time with you and more time with the one who complains the least. Being able to share your emotions and feelings is an important part of being human. If you werent upset or affected by a break-up in some way then Id say youre a robot. Or a serial killer. Either way, people will accept you to be a bit of a wreck after a break up but theyll also expect you to get over it . . . eventually. But dont argue over the mutual friends. It will end badly and youll lose a lot more than just your partner. HE SAYS: The friends tend to sort themselves out; especially if any of them have been a lot more than friendly and have been instrumental in the break-up. Theyre the kind of friends you can best do without. The dumpee, in general, is hard to be around. They are not exactly party material, with all the sobbing, threats of self-harm and clinging. But, a true friend helps them get through all that. Or, at the very least, sends them nice animated GIFs on Facebook and email. For the dumper, apart from lingering remorse, it is a hell of lot easier. They are not likely to be as much hard work for those in their friend circle, with far less tearing up, questions of will I ever love again?, stuff like that. So, if you find yourself on the rough end of the breakup, dont worry you will know soon enough who is getting whom. My advice: get first dibs on the dog/cat/fish/gerbil. Theyll be the ones who will keep loving you in your darkest moments.
Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people are advised that this website may contain the names, voices and images of people who have died, as well as other culturally sensitive content. Please be aware that some collection items may use outdated phrases or words which reflect the attitude of the creator at the time, and are now considered offensive.
We use temporary cookies on this site to provide functionality.
You are welcome to provide further information or feedback about this item by emailing TerritoryStories@nt.gov.au